To Eurgh is Human

When I think of something ‘disgusting’ I specifically think of it as being sort of visceral and vile, involving guts or a slopping sound. When I was at school, if ever a teacher referred to a child’s behaviour as disgusting (never me of course, I was once described as a ‘teacher’s pet’, by a teacher. Really he should have just called me ‘pet’, although I probably would have misunderstood as he was a Geordie), it would always sound odd to me. The idea that an act of mild rebellion such as writing ‘balls’ on the whiteboard, or kicking someone (me) in the shins could be considered disgusting didn’t make sense. Maybe if they’d drawn a picture of some balls, or my splintered shins started spilling guts everywhere, that would have fit in to what I thought of as disgusting, but I suppose it has a broader definition than that. Literally, it means the same as distaste, taste presumably referring to a classroom free of ball-drawings and bruised shins. I don’t know why I’ve dwelt on these two things so much, perhaps their very repetition will become disgusting to you at some stage of this blog, therefore rendering my initial argument moot, and removing all sense and taste from the whole thing. Ah but the lack of taste… (ad infinitum).

Day to day, the one thing I get disgusted by the most would be the abundance of bogies smeared on the inside walls of the toilet cubicles where I work. I understand the impulse to clear one’s nose of detritus, or perform a ‘snototomy’ as I have never said – but when sitting in a room whose USP (unique selling point acronym fans) is an abundance of tissue and a waste disposing chair, the act of displaying one’s nasal nuggets at eye level for the next toilet guest seems vulgar. I literally can’t understand it. I assume there’s some anthropological element to it whereby subconsciously the person feels they’re marking their territory. And considering this is in a toilet, the traditional method of territory marking by urinating would seem frankly unimaginative and predictable, so I should commend them for their creativity. Additionally, it definitely works. The part of the wall with the snot on now belongs unequivocally to the person with whom it shares DNA. In terms of real estate it’s maybe less than desirable, but in terms of claiming land, it works just as well as planting a flag used to.

It’s certainly true that mostly what we find disgusting are things associated with the human body, as in bodily functions or things that move from the inside outwards. Obviously we have a very unwavering sense that things inside the human body should stay there, and if they don’t then there’s something wrong with the person, or there’s something wrong with the stuff coming out. I assume this comes from the idea that we don’t want to catch diseases by coming into contact with other people’s blood and guts, although I can’t think of any common and contagious disease that would cause organs to evacuate the body, and therefore contaminate those with whom it came into contact. But I’m not a doctor. If you are, please tell me about this disease, it sounds brilliant, and a much better premise for a horror film than zombies. I’d call it Things Fall Apart, which you probably think is a really obvious title, but it’s actually a reference to the poem The Second Coming by W.B Yeats, which is sort of apocalyptic, so I’m cleverer than you thought, even though I had to explain why. I’d probably call the main character Tom Yeats as a clever joke/amazing intertextuality.

One of the other things most often considered disgusting, is the very reason that everyone is alive, which is sexy sex. The disgust likely comes from the feeling that you’re intruding on someone’s personal life; if for example they were to tell you about a recent bout of genital to genital merging, maybe you’d feel uncomfortable at having a conversation at the expense of another person’s intimacy. But that’s not to say it’s disgusting. I become uncomfortable at any number of topics of conversation, like when friends try to discuss major sporting events with me, or I have to meet friends of friends who try to discuss major sporting events with me. Or sex.

But it’s not disgusting is it? It’s like… all nice and that. And it’s the primary purpose and cause of all human life, rendering it literally the most important physical act possible, aside from maybe a really well-executed high-five (Note, it is rare for either of these to lead to the other, and if it does, the high-five is usually the result, and not cause, of the sex). I could go into a rant about if people were more open about sex, it would become less of a mystery at a young age, and possibly lead to less uninformed experimentation and teenage pregnancy. But the taboo surrounding sex is half the fun isn’t it? And all these teenage pregnancies affect me very little, the only downside for me is that they seem to keep Jeremy Kyle in mediocre suits and able to cover his sneers with enough make-up to render him legally broadcastable. Other than that, carry on I say. Especially gay folk, they really are doing the lord’s work by enjoying sex without the risk of pregnancies. Homosexuality, the ultimate contraception. Some people are disgusted by the idea of gay people having sex, getting married, or generally existing. I think Mel Gibson best described that position:

“They take it up the ass. [gestures to anus] This is only for taking a shit.”

Poor Mel. By the sounds of that, he’s never realised the joys of farting, or just sitting down. No wonder he’s so grumpy.

Next time on the Bandwagon – I start my countdown of the best members of Simon & Garfunkel, starting with the second best.