Tim Goodings

“The largest and fastest man in the Western hemisphere.” – Albert Einstein

  • The Law of Attraction – pt. 3

    My birthday game of pass-the-parcel was reaching its merciful climax, the parcel reducing in size with each stripped layer of magazine pages. The oozing blood from my multiplying paper cuts refused to soak into the paper, sliding easily across the gloss. Soon a dab of my blood was on the hands of every child in…

  • The Law of Attraction – pt. 2

    Mother and Dad set to work planning my ninth birthday party, with a dedicated fervour that I know my brother Richard monitored with confusion and envy. Even his recent tenth birthday -numerically more pleasing and nominally more important- had ended up wading its way through a Saturday with a desperate humidity of mood. My parents…

  • The Law of Attraction – pt. 1

    I was eight years old, and the year was 1999. It was a simpler time: the sweet spot just before 9/11, but just after the invention of the printing press. The period of blissful ignorance after the release of ‘The Matrix’, but before the release of ‘The Matrix Reloaded’. Post-Postfeminism, but pre-Meninism. A Goldilocks era.…

  • Money to Burn

    This week, I have hilariously decided to write about the inconsistency and choosiness with which rich people (the 1%, the great very-washed, the avec-culottes) donate to charitable causes. So Australia seems pretty fucked right now, and infographics illustrating the relative size of the total area destroyed by fires are terrifying; almost equal to the entirety…

  • In Which I Step Back From My Royal Duties

    The mixed public response to Harry and Meghan’s decision to undergo a joint royal-ectomy has been surprising. After I heard about it, I expected people to react with a similar level of bemusement as to when Shia LaBeouf declared he was ‘not famous anymore’ by writing said sentiment on a brown paper bag, which he…

  • Midnight

    I am very bad at time management. In the past, I found the time to write a blog which ridiculed, lambasted and figuratively pissed on the idea of New Year’s Resolutions. But I soon stopped writing a blog because I felt I didn’t have the time. And yet here I am, having been without a…

  • Job Insecurity

    As of today, I have begun trialling a new system with my employers at my office job, wherein I will cease to come in to work, ever, and in exchange they will no longer pay me a salary. It sounds risky, but I will be left with a lot more time, and they will be…

  • Absent Minded

    It’s been a long time since I wrote a blog, almost a year to the day in fact. Since then I assume I have become immeasurably worse at writing them, so expect me to occasionally lose the thread of what I was do you think Australian people refer to England as ‘up-over’? But don’t worry,…

  • Movin’ Out (Tim’s Song)

    It will soon have been 10 years since I first lived away from my parents’ home for an extended period, and by ‘soon’ I mean ‘in two years’. Aside from university accommodation, I’ve lived in five places since then, soon to be six. The numerous indignant sixty year olds that no doubt read my blog…

  • Paranoid Solutions

    Everyone’s out to get me presents! – Optimistic Paranoia. I know you’ve all been talking behind my back about when I’ll finally get around to writing about paranoia. Well here I go, so you can stop harassing me now. I assume that’s what’s happening. Otherwise I get a lot of strangers approaching me with very…

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